Survivor's guilt sounds
幸存者羞愧就像是
like my sister getting beat in the next room
我知道自己做了什么
for something I know I did.
姐姐却为此在隔壁房间挨揍。
That's the thing-- I did.
问题就在这里——我做了。
I did not. Did, did not.
我没做。做了，没做。
I did I did I did NOTHING.
我做了我做了我什么都没做。
Survivor's guilt looks
幸存者羞愧就像是
like Ricky's loaded trigger--
里奇装满子弹的枪，
a round he lost in life,
在生活里遭遇的失败
but found in his gun:
在他的枪里面找了回来：
A bullet that cried like an ambulance come too late.
一颗子弹如迟到的救护车一样哭叫
A bullet that cries about what could have been done
一颗子弹为了本可以做点什么，
besides taking refuge in a blossoming mind.
却只能躲在开花的脑袋里而哭泣。
A bullet that will weep relentlessly
一颗子弹一直不停地哭泣
because everyone survived
因为除了里奇
except for Ricky.
每个人都活了下来。
至少我曾经是这么想的。
Or at least I used to believe so.
我的负罪感
My guilt looks
就像是霉菌和一束花。
like mildew and a bouqet of flowers.
花属于死者
Flowers for the dead
霉菌属于仍在我皮肤留下污渍的眼泪，
and mildew for the tears still staining
这皮肤，这皮肤——
my skin.
This skin, this skin--
我觉得已经不适合再穿
奶奶过世时
well I didn't think it was fitting to wear
我穿的东西，
the same thing I did when
或者是目睹了许多人
my grandmother passed
被大风刮走时我穿的衣服
or when I witnessed
所以我试着裁剪
souls run cold like stiff breezes
那些仍然存留的东西，
so I tried to cut the pieces
作为供物献上，
that are still present,
为我所做的事情惩罚自己。
make an offering,
punish myself for what I did.
没做。做了。我没做。
没做没做没做。
Did not. I did. I did not.
我什么都没做。
Did not did not did not.
I did nothing.
幸存者羞愧
就像是某人喝了毒药
Survivor's guilt feels
却等待我死去
like neglecting to reject the parts
我却没有大声地说出来
of me that don't speak up
我并不因此嫌弃自己。
when someone drinks poison
and expects me to die.
恭喜——我现在像钉子一样坚韧
但我依然会遭遇挥来的拳头
Congrats--I'm tough as nails
和闲言碎语，我努力擦去瘀痕，
but still eating knuckle sandwiches
除去弟兄姐妹们的不幸。
and air sandwiches trying to unbruise,
我知道我带给他们许多的痛苦。
trying to undo my siblings' tragedy.
我做了但没有消除
I know I caused them a lot of pain.
语言，肉体和精神上的折磨。
I did but did not releive the
verbal, the physical, the emotional torture.
虽然我在父亲焦虑的两端，
但仍然有些事情
Though I was on both ends
我们不会去说，
of our father's angst and there are still things
我知道，对于我的兄弟姐妹们
we don't speak about,
叫他“爸爸”， 就像是对着
I know that calling Him "daddy"
一颗金苹果，无法下口
was a golden apple my siblings couldn't
sink their teeth into.
幸存者羞愧
就像是所有我没找到的玫瑰
Survivior's guilt smells like all the roses I didn't find
如果没有人爱
trying to learn to love myself when no one else would.
就努力学会爱自己。
Just thorns and green buds buried, reproducing the kind
只是荆棘和掩埋的绿色花蕾，
of hatred branded on my insides and carved on my flesh.
重新长出某种仇恨
刻进我的肉体，印在我的心里。
This I did. Did not.
I did not. I did
这个我做了。没做。
I did I did
我没做。我做了
I did the unthinkable and sailed across
我做了我做了
the sea of How Many Cares Don't I Give
我做了不可思议的事，并且横跨
When Trying To Off Myself So Im Not A
如此的大海：不在乎付出多少
Component of Insanity But An Object Of
当我努力放下自己，
Goodbye.
以避免疯狂，告别过去。
Survivior's guilt tastes
幸存者羞愧
like words on the tip of my tongue
就像是话到了舌尖
but choking back my voice
声音却哽住了
instead of these useless tears.
只剩下这无用的泪水。
It tastes like kissing a pair of scissors
它就像你亲吻了剪刀，
or a flat iron or a sewing needle.
烙铁，或者缝衣针。
Tastes like wasn't I raised to be
就好像说我岂不是从小就
less than speaking up by way of scar tissue
更倾向于用仍未愈合的伤疤
still healing?
说话吗？
Voices in my head make oblivion feel like home
脑海里的声音告诉我遗忘是一件很轻松的事
but survivior's guilt is the barrier bewtween
但是在我是如何生存下来，与
how I survived and thoughts rampantly dripping with
不断涌现出来的
Suicide in 31 Flavors.
自杀的31种味道之间
横亘着幸存者的负罪感。
And I did not.
I did I did I did
我没做过。
Nothing.
我做了我做了我
什么都没做。
This poem is about:
Me
这首诗是关于：
我